A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" ...The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Jacob considers himself to be one of the lucky ones because he’s the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He’s now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is The National Lottery, which he’s been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of £10 million.
A journalist from The Sun calls on him for a story. Jacob tells him, “As I’m the only one in my family to have survived the concentration camps, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So, I’ve decided to donate £5 million to the Save the Children Fund, £3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, £750,000 to the Jewish Museum, £750,000 Hadassah Hospital and £500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I’m also thinking of donating £1 to the Nazi Party from my winnings.”
The journalist is surprised. “But Jacob, how can you think of donating even £1 to the Nazi party after everything that’s happened to you and your family?” ..Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, “It’s only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost m y business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won The Health Lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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